I'll tip my hat to the new constitution, take a bow for the new revolution

You know what? I'm not going to pretend that this year was anything but terrible, because I don't think there's anyone on earth who could sell that lie. Certainly not to a bunch of people who've lived it.

But today? Today has been one of the best days I've had in a good long time. And I want to make sure all of you crazy kids know that if I had to spend the worst year of my life with any ragtag band of misfits (which, obviously, I did,) I'm glad that it was you nutters.

That goes double for you guys. Whether or not we ever leave this sodding room alive, I'll still be proud that I hitched my wagon to your horse. Or whichever thing you hitch to whichever other thing. I'm not sure which thing actually gets hitched in that analogy. I really haven't ever spent any time with horses. I don't think it's important. Anyway.

Youdle, this is the Fonz. Do you copy?

It has come to the attention of the MMI6 that you may have disclosed your spy status to an unauthorized civilian and compromised your mission. Are these allegations factual? Need I remind you that the success of your mission depends on your ability to maintain confidentiality at all times?

I would hate to have to issue a burn notice on one of our most promising new agents, but I will if I am given no other choice. It would be a shame to dismiss you before you'd received your first official code name.

MICHAEL FORSYTHE CORNER (yeah, I know your middle name and I am NOT afraid to use it) IF YOU RAN OUT AFTER THAT FIRST YEAR BOY LAST NIGHT AND GET YOURSELF TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE CARROWS OR THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD OR ANYONE HORRIBLE, I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF KILLING YOU MYSELF. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A RAVENCLAW. Don't think I won't. I read a book about weird incestuous Egyptian gods who managed it once, and they don't have HALF my will power.

Seriously though, do I need to do something about my hair? Is that why I'm the only one that nobody--

I have no idea what to write for this ridiculous essay. What do I hate? (And don't say "fun," that's not helpful.) And I assume they don't want us to say "purists," or "the Inquisitorial Squad." So far, all I've been able to come up with is awkward situations, French spelling, fake whipped cream, and museums on old battleships.

And fairy cakes that don't have buttercream frosting, because that's just wasteful.

I've rounded up some diseases for the project. I think the level of research and scholarship I've done here will be more than sufficient for this project. You can use one of mine, if you want, but I get to pick first. Personally, I think it would be nice if we got someone to cover the companion diseases at the end.

Possible Diseases:

• Count Choculitis - In the initial stages of the disease, Count Choculitis can be extremely difficult to diagnose. The first signs of the disease are extreme palor and light sensitivity, daytime fatigue, and nighttime sleep disturbances caused by a shift in the body's production of melatonin. As the disease progresses, the sufferer often has extreme glucose cravings, though this is only present in about 60% of cases. Between 3 and 7 days after symptoms first present, the suffer's skin becomes covered in itchy brown pustules that have a faintly sweet smell due to the presence of the bacteria, pseudomonas aeruginosa, an opportunistic bacterium often found on human skin. The disease spreads rapidly, and exposure to refined glucose only speeds up the process. If left untreated, neurological involvement sets in, leading to Foreign Accent Syndrome. Once this stage is reached, the disease is rarely curable.


• Reverse Transubstanciosis - A systemic disease that affects the musculo skeletal system. The bone marrow is the first to be affected, causing it to produce blood that is extremely dilute, essentially turning the sufferer's blood into water. Also leads to extreme muscle atrophy and a doughy physique. In later stages, sufferers often report religious visions and cannibalistic cravings. Highly contagious among lapsed Catholics.


• Vagina Dentata - A rare form of the more common teratoma (an encapsulated tumor with tissue or organ components) in which a fully-formed second set of teeth on the interior walls of the vaginal canal. Generally makes sexual intercourse uncomfortable for the sufferer, and extremely uncomfortable for the sufferer's partner.


• March Madness - A seasonal disorder that is most common in the United States, though its incidence among American nationals living outside of the US is still much higher than in the general population. Like schizophrenia, this neurological and psychological ailment is thought to be caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. During flareups, the diseases is characterised by increased testosterone levels, extreme aggression, inability to regulate speech volume and spontaneous outbursts of foul language (similar to Tourette's syndrome), increased alcohol consumption and difficulty distinguishing between friendly gestures and homoerotic overtures.


• Homosapiens Mutans - a rare, but serious genetic condition that is not yet well-understood. It is extremely difficult to study, due to the highly variable nature of the condition's presentation. Some sufferers report greater than average levels of strength, others experience insensitivity to pain similar to those with CIPA (congenital insensitivity to pain, another rare genetic disorder most common among Ashkenazi Jews.) Others report delusions, believing that they have the ability to fly, read minds, or manipulate their environment. Notably, some scientists have detected increased telekinetic energy in some individuals with the condition, leading many to believe that these claims may have some weight. The condition appears to be X-linked, or found on the X-chromosome, and dominant.


• Idiopathic Adamantium Osteosis - in which your bones become spontaneously fused with Adamantium, While it does have some positive effects - the lightweight metal does make bones far more resistent to breaks and injuries - the additional weight of the metal, light as it is, puts increased strain on the joints and muscles of the sufferer, leading to severe joint pain, muscle fatigue and weakness. Often comorbid with Homosapiens Mutans.

I'm still working on the write up for Cat Scratch Fever, Vector Calculosis, Spontaneous Hermaphroditism and Fruit Blindness. Thoughts?

You... all right? Terry says you're worried that your friends are cross about this whole fake-relationship thing. I'm sorry if I'm putting you in a bad position here. Is there anything I can do to fix it? You can tell them it was all my idea, if you want. That I was the one who didn't want to tell people, because of my pathological fear of secret-telling. Or because I'm allergic to controversy.

Since the whole school seems to know anyway, I figured I'd confirm that I'm currently dating Lavender Brown. Perhaps I should have told you all sooner, but I like to think that we have the kind of relationship where we don't tell each other things.

Lavender, just so we're on the same page, you and I are dating now. I realize this may come as a bit of a shock, and I'm terribly sorry that I didn't inform you sooner, but I thought it best that you heard this news from me. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. We should probably talk about us at some point, too. No rush.

So you know how we had that party last night that kept us all out late? Now I have a detention. That is what having fun will get you, children. Nothing but trouble. Theodore Nott of the Inquisitorial Goon Squad caught me coming back to the common room late last night, and I thought he was going to have my guts for garters, but he brought me to Flitwick instead.

Obviously I couldn't tell him where I really was, or why I was dressed up, so I just told him the first thing that I thought of. I told him I was out on a date with Lavender. Give me some credit - in the brief moments between my capture and my interrogation, I came up with a pretty solid story despite the obvious panic. I mean, it wouldn't have made sense if I'd said someone in my own house, because then why would I have had to sneak out? And the reason no one has heard about it is that we've been trying to keep things under wraps, with the interhouse tension and the budding romance and all. I may have created too much backstory. Fucking elaborate lies. I should have written this down last night. Right. Anyway, Flitwick gave me a detention for later this week. From the look on his face, I thought one of us was going to cry, and I was only about 60% sure it would be me.

If they kill me, or lock me in a torture chamber from now until eternity, tell my parents... tell them it's all Michael's fault.